The Journal of American Rocket Science

Those neighbors in that quiet rambler down the block – the one with a plastic awning over the front entrance that has green indoor-outdoor carpet covering the steps, the Chevrolet station wagon parked in back, and the twinkly christmas lights hanging from roof eaves all year around – and that pink flamingo in their front yard, whose eyes seem to follow you as you walk down the sidewalk – and make you smile back. But the Journal of American Rocket Science is warning you: don’t look at that pink plastic bird again! The bird’s eyes are actually electronic scanning devices, and the homeowners are sleeper cell members of a widespread extremist sect plotting to take over America.

Journal of American Rocket Science researchers uncovered this plot recently when they discovered that the flamingos’ skinny steel legs penetrating into the ground are wired into a vast underground network, connecting a central command to sleeper cells in neighborhoods throughout the nation. Further evidence reveals this group has trained its members to take extensive measures to blend into typical neighborhoods to seem as unobtrusive as possible, acting like normal middle class citizens. The pink flamingos in front yards make these cell members seem more normal than other neighbors, and the birds also function to conduct surveillance of the surrounding neighborhood. These cell members are to act placid until they receive a coded signal from central command, causing them instantaneously and quietly to charge out of their houses and seize control of our country.

When The Department of Homeland Security was given evidence in detail of the Journal of American Rocket Science’s discovery, the bureau replied several weeks later that penguins in front yards are not subject to local zoning laws.

Sensing imminent victory in November to be elected as President of the United States, Sen. Barak Obama is now looking ahead to implement his administration operating procedures to be put in place immediately after the first few minutes of the inauguration ceremony swearing into office.

To remove the Bush program of national fear, one of Obama’s first moves will be to engage the nation into audaciousness of hope tby re-naming the Department of Homeland Security to “The Place of Homeland Contentment.” To highlight this change, the Terror Alert signs near airports and federal buildings will become “Contentment Level Signs.”

The Obama transition team has contacted the color consulting division at the Journal of American Rocket Science to select new engaging colors, replacing the ominous yellow, orange and red alert colors to optimistic and pleasant blue hues:

The World Without Us, a best-selling book by Alan Weisman describes our how planet would exist if, in some future time, all humans would vanish from it. Weisman conjectures that by 25,000 years, no noticeable trace would be found of the civilization that we know. The only human-made elements that would exist would be glass and plastic.

The book gives many people much to think about, but nobody is jumping into action to do anything about it. Except for a group of historic preservationists. Searching for ways to preserve monuments that signify human history, this preservation group is formulating two methods. One is the paperwork process of studies to mitigate adverse effects. The other is to encapsulate edifices in plastic. The name of the group has become to be known as “Paper or Plastic.”

While the mitigation studies will go through various committees for some time, the Plastics contingent will soon release a model of its first proposal – encasing the Grain Belt Brewery in Northeast Minneapolis in a gigantic plastic enclosure.

Just as ancient kings such as Ozymandius, subject of a poem by Percy Bysshe Shelley, built a stone monument of his visage that he knew would outlast him, citizens of Minneapolis can be assured that this historical structure will exist, ironically, long after any human can know its significance.

Pointing out that the nation’s happier times has been no better reflected than in the 1960s TV program Mayberry RFD, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty will soon announce in a prepared statement: “If you’ve watched my modus operandi in government, you’ll see I’m not starving the state’s economic development, education system and culture by cutting taxes – I’m preparing for our state’s future – we can become the next Mayberry RFD.”

“Life was simpler then, but our nation was also happier then,” the governor stated, “ So if we become simpler, we will be happier.”

Pawlenty pledged he will continue to strip away appeasement programs like health care, complicated education systems, and needless light rail and extra traffic lanes. Pawlenty sees his role as a governor taking on the image of Andy Griffith, who played Sheriff Andy Taylor who also acted as mayor, making everyday problems uncomplicated, without government intervention. Law and order can be simplified as well, and as a gesture to bipartisanship, Pawlenty will ask former Democratic U.S. Senator Mark Dayton to assume the role of always-nervous Deputy Barney Fife, as played on the TV sshow by Don Knotts.

Only one educational program will be needed, Pawlenty noted, “We’’ll get language classes in operation that will teach southern drawl as a second language.”

Critics of the governor who obtained advance copies of Pawlenty’s upcoming announcement complained that bringing back the state to Mayberry RFD times will mean no highly convenient ATM machines. Another issue will be the role of guns in this back-world. In the TV Mayberry, Sheriff Andy Taylor issued only one bullet to his deputy that he had to keep not in his gun but in a shirt pocket. The NRA will not be pleased.

The Journal of American Rocket Science feels compelled to respond to this important issue. A liberal think tank, Liberals Under Attack United (LUAU) has commissioned Journal of American Rocket Science to refute the Arkansas Democrat Gazette article blaming global warming on Daylight Savings Time, and the Journal has hired Dr. T. Tarp to evaluate the issue. At this writing, Dr. T.Tarp has come up with one recommendation: change the name of the city where the letter writer lives from Hot Springs to Luke Warm Springs.

Young Sid

The Star Tribune of the Twin Cities is way ahead of other newspapers caught in declining readership and revenues to reduce operating costs and staff. To meet the challenges of the oncoming new age of journalism, the Strib leadership will soon announce they are dumping all their writers and will keep only one – sports columnist Sid Hartman.

The Journal of American Rocket Science obtained an interview with this fabled sports star journalist, and you can follow along as follows:

JARS: Hey Sid – congratulations! But tell us real quick: How do you think the Minnesota Orchestra is doing?

SH: “ I think they have the team with players to win. The key thing is playing together and being consistent.”

JARS: How can we solve the Iraq issue – Will the Sunnis or the Shia take control of the government?

SH: The Sunnis are second seed to compete in the runoff to lead Iraq, but
if they have a hot week, then they have the chance to make the playoffs.

JARS: In terms of Minnesota’s upcoming 2008 US senatorial race, who will be the nominees of the Democrats and Republicans?

SH: It is important to determine first round draft choice.

JARS: We scientists here at the Journal of American Rocket Science have noticed your name, Sid Hartman, has many of the same letters as the Hindu mystic Siddartha. This Kshatriya gained followers, calling themselves bhikkus, or “disciples,” they wandered the countryside in yellow robes (in order to indicate their bhakti , or “devotion” to the master). Likewise, many of your followers, calling themselves Gopher fans, wear a more intense yellow, golden colored sweatshirts and jackets. Can you comment?

SH: Well, a lot of guys in the dorm, during that semester I went to the U, called me “Siddartha,” because my writing, even at that time was, I don’t know if you’d think it was mystical, but so many people said it was mystifying. But that Siddartha guy –great scholarship material: he really had a head on his shoulders. 1938, I think that was his best year.”

After extensive scientific research, Journal of American Rocket Science Research is asking the Minnesota State Legislature to just say no the medical marijuana, predicting that this could lead to wine being sold in supermarkets.

In a move totally unprecedented in state government history, Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has announced he is turning over all state government operations to automobile- house mortgage- impressario Denny Hecker.  In his announcement, the Minnesota governor declared, “There’s no hiding the fact that my buddy Denny can deliver state government functions at lower cost, with business-like finesse so much better than the legions of bureaucrats who occupy rows and rows of desks in state government buildings all over our state.” “What’s more,” Governor Pawlenty remarked, ‘”He’s got a more convincing smile than I have tried to have.”

Minnesotans have become accustomed to Denny Hecker’s fanchises alongside the state’s freeways, have seen his advertising panels on buses, billboards, newspaper inserts, TV commercials for several years. To which Pawlenty asserts, “With his smiling face seen by Minnesota residents over and over, he’s got to be a guy everyone can trust.” For the Minnesota governor who has relentlessly pressed for lower taxes, Hecker, he thinks, is the guy who can make his lower taxes – smaller government dreams come true.

In the works, according to state government insiders, is Pawlenty’s own public image proliferation campaign. Soon Minnesota residents will gaze at billboards, TV spots, utility pole placards that display the guv’s smiling visage, with the message, “I’m giving you lower government by slashing, yes slashing your taxes. No other governor can beat my deal!”

Responding to recent criticism that debit /credit card swipe devices recently introduced at retail checkout counters have caused backed up customer lines, the National Retailers’ Association has hired the Journal of American Rocket Science to design a more religiously sensitive card swiper.

National Retailers’ Association officials say these new machines will be installed throughout the country in a few weeks.

_ Yes, this is the right amount.

_ No, this is an incorrect amount.

_ I’m Unitarian – I’m not sure.

A central Minnesota township denied a building permit yesterday that would have allowed the much fabled town of Lake Wobegon to achieve reality. The developer, RPM Properties, envisioned construction of a real Lake Wobegon, a figment in the imagination of not only Garrison Keillor, but in the minds of thousands of Prairie Home Companion listeners. Many of these radio show fans, yearning for the good old days, formed a public interest group to create a place to live that would return traditional values of responsibility and the simple virtues to the American scene.

However, the planning officials in a yet-unidentified township saw things differently. Planning Commissioner Hugh Briss called the proposed Wobegon town completely out of date with modern zoning codes. “ This plan had no strip shopping centers, no pole barn buildings for farm implement dealers, and no franchise restaurants – none of the feeling that small towns have today, “ Briss said, adding, “and a church with a steeple? That would exceed zoning height limitations.”

The one year-old Walker Art Center In Minneapolis is about to receive a facade re-do. Commissioned by Walker administrators to design a revision, the Journal of American Rocket Science chose to use the perforated holes in the thin metal covering as a matrix for a CHIA PET vegetative growth that will cover the now-shiny skin. CHIA PET, the popular 1970s novelty item that grew a mossy covering from seeds embedded in a clay animal-shaped body, will become popular art now transformed into high art, say Walker art spokespersons.

Walker officials had proposed a “roots” theme, as a reference to the art institution’s origins by its founder, T.B. Walker, a lumber baron, who owned large tracts of giant fir trees known for their deep roots. However, some detractors of the museum comment that CHIA PET is very appropriate, as the tiny stems’ shallowness symbolize the depth of the objects within the galleries.

With all the attempts of liberal media and conservative Christian pastors to try to rein in the controversial Rev. Pat Robertson from his wacky pronouncements, the Green Party has tried to neutralize the far-right wing clergyman by cloning Robertson with an unusual species of jellyfish having a fluorescent green glow. Green Party scientists thought the cloning would dilute his weekly virulent predictions of divine wrath on world leaders, destination tourist cities or sports figures, and instead would take on an environmentalist temperament. More important, a cloned green Pat would be a branding icon for the radical political movement.

Although the cloned Pat does emit a bright green color, the lack of a spine that is the definitive anatomical feature of a jelly fish has resulted in the cloned green human being very risk-averse to making public statements that demand far-reaching environmental action. Undeterred, Green Party scientists plan to chip some green concrete off the Jolly Green Giant statue along Highway 169 in southwestern Minnesota to use in their next cloning experiment.

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Sometime after the new Guthrie Theater opens on the riverbank near downtown Minneapolis, a drama devotee may exclaim during a spate of cultural chitchat after attending an Ibsen play, “ It is remarkable how Hedda Gabler’s superfluidity as a mask for her hyperaestivation was so elegantly amplified by that sleek Ikea divan and floor lamp as seen on stage in act three.” Which could draw the response,” And that Ikea writing desk? I have to drive out to Ikea tomorrow to buy one.”

Will this happen, thanks to an Ikea upcoming deal with the Guthrie management to purchase branding rights for the theater? Did Ikea drive the idea for those dark blue metal wall panels that went on the building in its early construction? Soon, will we see those supersized bright yellow letters on the side of the building?

And where could this lead to? Will a deal with NASCAR put Pennzoil patches on Hamlet’s cloak, or a Firestone logo on a spoiler fin mounted on an on-stage Elizabethan carriage?

Dear Honorable and intelligent citizen of Nigeria:

Hello. My name is Tim Pawlenty and I am governor of the state of
Minnesota in the United States of America, and I am sending you this e-mail
to give you a wonderful opportunity to make a lot of money like so
many of my fellow Americans do. Right now my state of Minnesota has a
lot of wealth, but I need to make my state government budget balance
its bookwork, and to do that, I plan to have the state of Minnesota
build several casinos that can bring gambling money to help the
government. I am asking you to invest in a sure thing. It is sure
because gambling brings in more money in one year than the cost of
building the casino. With your financial commitment, of, say, $500,000,
my state can pay you back a great profit for your investment. But we
need to build the casinos quickly.
With your financial commitment of , say, $500,000, you can be paid
back with many profits. Many Nigerians have sent e mails to people in
my state offering to share in various financial plans, so I feel we
have already forged a friendship bond between our peoples. With your
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profits. My office is ready for your check of, say, $500,000, and I am
your friend.

Sincerely,

The Governor of Minnesota

Following his somewhat notorious film, “The Passion of the Christ”, Mel
Gibson is reportedly in production with a similar-themed movie – “The
Crucifixion of the Martha.” The injustice of her being called a Wall
Street criminal, the agony of her trial and her sordid imprisonment
will receive Gibson’s trademark portrayal of excruciating suffering by
a contemporary religious figure.

But Gibson will not end his epic with her celebrated release from
prison, but will forecast a future upsetting and bizarre event,
predicting she will be hauled back into court on what he calls
“trumped” up charges for violating parole. But this time instead
returning to prison, she will undergo a crueler fate – put in the
custody of NASA, who will confine her to a Russian Soyuz space station,
assigned to an interior decorating makeover for that aesthetically
beleaguered environment. Her anguish in attempting to make chintz
curtains appear to hang straight in the weightlessness of space will be
an emotionally gripping scene.

Gibson’s craft in cinema won’t stop when the taping is finished. He
plans an innovative venue to show the film. Rebuffing the Hollywood
industry, the movie will be shown only in specially built chapels in
hundreds of shopping malls across America and in closed up K Marts.

Design for Preservation has developed an add-on teaching supplement for
creation science curriculum to be used by schools in conservative
school districts. Stork Theory will present young minds with the
fundamentals of childbirth, to educate how babies come into the world.

The course material is theory based, as applied science aspects are not
important, such as how storks can fly through closed windows during
their deliveries, is unnecessary. Course material will also be text
only, with no illustrations needed, as no actual photography is
available to date. Lab sessions with actual storks will not be part of
the teaching process, as a measure to appease liberals who would want
no storks harmed during such procedures.

Although the curriculum is designed for elementary school age children,
Design for Preservation education consultants claim the material can be
also used for college credit at academic institutions such as Bob Jones
University.

When the giant meteor Tunguska struck the forests of Siberia in 1908,
over 200 square miles of wilderness was destroyed and the sparse
population was jolted by the hit 400 miles away. Loss of life in this
isolated area was minimal, but scientists today are issuing warnings
that it’s just a matter of time before the next meteor, possibly much
larger than the 700 ton Tunguska, will strike our earth, which today
has much larger cities, suburban subdivision and shopping centers that
would be much more vulnerable to catastrophe than pre-revolution
Siberia.

If scientists get a fix on a big one is headed, for instance, to
Washington D.C., it simply won’t be enough to ask non-essential workers
to leave early. A more effective and comprehensive scheme must be
ready.

The National Academy of Earth Defense Scientists recently commissioned
Design for Preservation to produce a defense system to protect earth
and our life style as we know it. The Academy selected Design for
Preservation based on the firms’ previous and thus-far successful
anti-tornado mock trailer court system which protects large
metropolitan areas by locating fake or simulated trailer courts in
outlying areas, acting as decoys to divert oncoming twisters.
Statistics gathered from TV news has indicated tornados seem to be
attracted to trailer courts, and this diversion method has thus far
protected Midwest cities from destruction.

Based on this success, Design for Preservation will employ the same
method, this time using space shuttles to boost several trailer courts
into orbit to attract and sidetrack incoming meteors away from earth.
Trailer courts will be authentically replicated complete with
artificial stone skirtboards, TV aerials, vinyl barn-shaped storage
sheds, particle-board doghouses, cedar split-rail fences, pickup camper
tops propped up on saw horses and various boat trailers.

A cluster of grain elevators owned by Pillsbury will no longer face demolition as consequence of that corporation’s property makeover. The Pillsbury elevators, located along the east bank of the Mississippi River near Saint Anthony Falls, are under study by Design for Preservation, a southeast Minneapolis design firm, who plans to convert the empty cylindrical structures into a music theater multiplex, each shaft to play avante garde musician John Cage’s noted work 4 minutes 33 Seconds on continuous loop tapes.

“An empty round concrete elevator shaft interior represents the ultimate in minimalist architecture,” stated Robert Roscoe, chief entrepreneurial officer (CEO) of Design for Preservation. “And the minimalist aspect of John Cage’s 4 minutes 33 Seconds is the perfect and most appropriate musical oeuvre for these spaces.”

The multiple series of elevator shafts allows the potential of multiple simultaneous performances, and the tape loop for Cage’s music piece, along with the multiplex aspect, will permit many listeners to hear the music over and over, as long as they want, and, except for rush times, no waiting in line.

Roscoe expects neighborhood approval for any permits required for the elevators’ new use, as site noise shouldn’t be the problem that other music venues located near large population areas can create.

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